Seven Phrases most Feminists despise
1. You must be a lesbian.
I might be a lesbian. I might be pansexual, genderqueer, bisexual, asexual, heterosexual, etc. My sexuality doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with my political ideology. Unless I’m a political lesbian, but you wouldn’t understand.
2. So, you don’t think men and women are different at all?
Actually, I think people are different in so many ways. I think that people are nuanced, and should be judged according to their skills, talents, and actions. I don’t think you should make assumptions based on someone’s presupposed gender. And let’s be honest, I’m not very thrilled that you still only think that this world is made up of two distinct categories of people. Amiright?
3. Why do you hate men?
I don’t hate men. Some of the best people in my life identify as men. I hate a system that privileges certain men over all others, while simultaneously constraining other men for behavior that isn’t congruent with heteronormative values.
4. Any statement where the word “misandry” is used seriously.
5. What does [insert “ism” here] have to do with feminism?
Someone once asked me what disability had to do with feminism, and I felt like the Internet needed to shut down for the day. I wanted to yell at the person for being so fucking stupid, but then I remembered that some real asshats pretend to fly the Feminist Flag, and I sort of calmed down. For the record y’all, feminism, feminism that is worth anything, is all about intersectionality. That means that feminists are concerned with sexism and: racism, heterosexism, ableism, classism, etc., etc., etc.
6. I’m not a feminist. I’m a humanist.
It would be hypocritical of me to blast you for the way you identify. I don’t care if you identify as a bisexual panda, it’s no skin off my back, but you don’t need to be a prick about it. Saying “I’m a humanist” is awesome, it usually means we’re going to be friends, but the scathing, derisive, dripping “I’m not a feminist” that precedes or follows your declaration is just unnecessary.
7. I’m kind of a feminist.
This one just hurts because we’re so close to being friends. You’re telling me this because you’re in good damn company, so embrace it. Wrap yourself up in the feminist label and get comfortable, because I’m not the person you need to placate with your qualifiers. You are a feminist, so stop pretending, and let’s go drinking and smash the patriarchy.
You’re Pretty Hairy For a Feminist
[not an accurate representation of how awesome my shirt is]
I was grabbing one of these awesome hot dogs from Biker Jim’s hot dog stand on campus the other day when the man cooking up my dog laughs at my “This is what a feminist looks like” T-shirt and the following dialogue occurs:
Him: “You’re pretty hairy for a feminist!”
Me: “Yeah, we can be.”
He laughed. I laughed. I walked away equal parts amused and ashamed. Ashamed because I made a joke playing on the common expectation of what a feminist looks like. Amused because it was a good joke and affirmed two things to me. First, that a man can be a feminist. Second, that it doesn’t really matter what we look like.
Plus it was funny.
Or it wasn’t and I’m easy to please. One of the two.
But it did get me thinking about myself. I’m male. I love baseball. I love women. I love to competition. I love video games. I love books. I love movies. I love television. I love beer. I love whiskey. I love my scruffy beard.
And I’m a feminist. Deal with it.
I think that helps put in perspective for me that anyone can be a feminist no matter what you look like or how you were raised. I think that’s a hard thing for some people to understand. There are all these stereotypes about what a feminist is or can be. There’s this concept that feminists are bra-burning lesbians who hate men with a passion. And that’s a lie.
I was part of a panel for a class at Metro State University in Denver last week. The professor asked for students who identified as feminist to share their experiences. And when it comes down to it, being part of that panel was one of the most rewarding experiences I’ve had in my life. It was simply amazing to sit on a panel as young men and women asked questions about what it means to be a feminist, how people respond to knowing that you’re a feminist, and who can be a feminist. So I thought I’d share a few of my favorite questions and answers (spread across two classes and 5 panelists).
Q: Have you always been a feminist?
Yes, though I haven’t always identified my views that way. When I was younger and didn’t have the vocabulary, I called myself an “equalitist”…which isn’t a thing. But what I was trying to say is that I am a Humanist, and I equate humanism with feminism. I think the major reason why I say feminist rather than humanist is that there’s more direction implied with feminism. It’s the concept that there’s something different than wanting equality for everyone and knowing that there is inequality that needs to be addressed.
Q: When people find out that you (as a man) are a feminist, do they assume that you’re gay?
No. Certainly for some, that is the case, but not in my case. And I think that’s fascinating. I think the concept that the only men who are feminists are women is deeply indicative of a culture that relies on expectation. The only real requirement to be a feminist is to believe that everyone is equal and should be treated as such. That means that not only do I believe that women should be encouraged to play football with men, but also that men should be encouraged to do gymnastics and cheer-leading. We all should have the right to be exactly who we are and treated exactly the same for it. And being a man doesn’t mean that I have to think I’m better than women. It means that I should strive to be better than I am—and know that everyone deserves the opportunity to be the same.
Q: So, when you go to out with a woman, do you open the door for her? Do you pay for the dinner?
Yes, I open the door. Of course, if she gets there first, then she opens it. If someone is behind me, I hold it open for them. All that matters is that someone opens the door and I really don’t care who it is–just get it done. As for dinner, yes, I pay a majority of the time. Why? Because when it comes down to it, I know that I get paid more than a lot of women my age. So in an attitude that Conan O’Brien would approve of, I’ll continue paying until women are paid the same for doing the same job. It’s only fair. Of course, if a woman wants to pay, she is welcome to. It won’t hurt my feelings any.
[Awesome shirt and very accurate. You can find it here]
Q: Can I be a feminist and not believe in abortion?
SUCH A HOT TOPIC. And yes…sort of. When it comes down to it, you just have to believe that it isn’t your right or job to police what other people do with their bodies. That means not trying to controlling who people love, what people put on their bodies, or what they do with their own medical procedures. So you can 100% believe that abortion is wrong and immoral or whatever—but you can’t force your beliefs on others. A feminist doesn’t do that. I’ve known plenty of feminists who would never personally get an abortion—but they know that it isn’t their job to stop others. Encourage them to seek other possibilities? Sure. Attempt to force them or judge them for their choices? Never.
Q: If you had to break down the waves of feminism into a single word to describe them, how would you do so?
Feminism is often described as being in waves, but I think that’s problematic. This concept of waves is common to threes, which implies that after the third wave there’s nothing else. It also implies that the move for equality peaks and recedes like the tides. Neither is true. The search for equality isn’t really something that ends; it’s something that evolves. But if I were to describe what current feminism is about, I would say it’s about education. It’s about educating others in the fact that inequality is real, prominent in our society, and something we can all work to fix. I don’t expect equality to just appear in the next decade, but I do anticipate that the only way to be equal is for people to realize that we aren’t currently and to strive for that to change.
Overall, there were a lot great questions raised, and even more great answers. But I think the one that means the most to me was this: as someone of the privileged class (cishet white male), I have the opportunity to speak without fear of being judged and silence is just as damning as speaking against equality. So I speak out, just like John Legend, Patrick Stewart, John Scalzi, Joss Whedon (though he is a bit problematic in his own right), and plenty other men do. We don’t think women are less—and neither should you. I personally can’t wait for the day that I can shut up and sit back, but until that day comes, I’ll keep up in the ranks of powerful men and women shouting for equality—no matter what anyone else thinks.
Birth as feminist issue (birthbelongstomamas.com)
Phyllis Schlafly: Not all feminists are ugly (theblaze.com)
Abortion is a Not Evil and Anti’s Are Not Pro-Life (truthfultragedy.wordpress.com)
Minimum age of consent to rise from 13 years to 16 (elpais.com)
Jornades d’acció feminista autònoma /feminist action days
Escrache feminista: 1000′s se movilizó contra la prohibición del aborto
Elvira, the Street Brigade and the Sex-work Network
Blessed be our struggle… Feminism that Sins (thefreeonline.wordpress.com)
Spanish government prepares new abortion law (kansascity.com)
victory! Tunisia frees Femen activists: Now Free AMINA! (thefreeonline.wordpress.com)
Feminist Protests go Worldwide: Free Amina..Free all Women!
Attention Men: If You Attack a Woman
Houston, is my Vagina a Problem for you?
Womens ‘Red Brigades’ confronts India sex abuse
STOP billions of attacks on Women: Campaign against Gender Violence
Anarcha-Feminism! Lets annihalate Patriarchy !
Tunisian blogger faces prison (guardian.co.uk)
Free Pussy Riot supporters hit Patriarch – Femen Kill Kirill
Debating Creative Feminist Tactics: Moran and Femen
Pussy Riot and Madonna, branded sluts and therefore liars!
Abortion.. every Woman’s right to Choose.
Remembering Agnes..Stop Hate Crimes!
Do we still need Feminism?..Of COURSE, it’s a Way of Life!
Friends of the Anarchist 5 / Amig*s de l*s 5 Anarquistas de Facebook
This Is What MY Feminism Looks Like (themamafesto.wordpress.com)