Three Common Beliefs That Make Abuse Innate to Our World

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reblogged with thanks from: http://betternotbroken.com/2

1. Teasing my children or spouse and pointing out their flaws repeatedly  in jest makes them stronger. It toughens them up for the “real world” where people treat others like shit. It teaches them to take a joke.

Repeated verbal abuse chips away slowly at self-esteem and undermines a person’s base of inner power. It does not make you stronger. It sets up the lesson that people treat others like crap and teaches your children to expect abuse as normal from other people. It elevates accepting abuse to a prideful status. It also creates abusers who tease and degrade other people and then pretend they are doing others a favor in the process.

Think this myth is true? Tease back. Not one single person I have met, and I have had a perfect record of being attracted to abusive intimate partners well as abusive friends, has had the “strength” to take their own medicine.  This is passive aggression, i.e. gutless aggression where the aggressor wants to hurt you but come out smelling like a rose. This behavior is a deeply entrenched pastime in our society and culture.

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2. I can help this person become better and to become the person I want to be with, they do not mean to hurt me. They are a little child afraid of abandonment.  I must prove myself to them. People are different and I like what you call getting hurt it, it doesn’t affect me. Plus it will all change eventually when they see how I love them.  They do not understand what they are doing.

Can you love what you do not understand or accept unconditionally at face value? Sadism is deliberatecruelty. Yes, people are different. Understand it. Accept it. Do not twist it into some admirable attribute you can work with and nurture into benevolence. Again sadism, and not all sadism revolves around sex, is the intent to humiliate others and inflict pain on them. You cannot control others and make their choices for them because it suits your agenda. You can’t outsmart sadism or the sadist by “choosing” to enjoy it. Once you enjoy the scenario that defeats the purpose of sadism so the ante will rise until you have so much pain you suffer or break. It is the ultimate power play to break someone or take their life. So know that in most cases, YES, your abusive friend or partner wants to hurt you. They value power over your professed “love” which they do not believe you feel anyway, because you repeatedly present yourself to them as person who does not understand them. Abusive people want the power and control that comes with degradation and cruelty.

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3. Being nice is weakness, kind people are less intelligent and ask for abuse.

You can be very mean, even cruel, and get abused as well. It also a myth that “gifted” child terrorize classrooms and bully other children because they are bored. Is Stephen Hawking a terrorist? Einstein? Healthy, strong people know how to preserve their light and fight without fighting to create boundaries that deflect abuse even when people ask for it by being mean. They channel their energies into productive gifts for themselves and others.  Healthy people do not endure others who want to destroy them or what they have built and that includes self-esteem and certainly do not elevate them to idols for inspiration. Too bad we don’t teach our kids that, wait, we can!

Once you leave an abusive setting or relationship and you do the work to break the cycle while seeking to understand your role in it, you realize you remain at the base of a mountain surrounded by a society committed to romanticizing dysfunction, reframing abuse and choosing disordered self-centered leaders to follow. Don’t let it defeat you.So let’s see if we can climb the mountain, tell us, how are you debunking the myths that make abuse mainstream? Is it even possible?200178833-002 (1)reblogged with thanks from: http://betternotbroken.com/2

 

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