Category Archives: satire

Ryanair will Offer Sincere Apology.. for only €5 Per Passenger

       BREAKING NEWS, LOCAL NEWS
7.3K SHARES   View Comments.   from  waterford whispers

BELEAGUERED budget airline RyanAir have made thousands of apologies available to customers following the company’s mishandling of flight cancellations, for the low, low price of just €4.99 each.

The airline was forced to cancel up to fifty flights a day between now and October, following a holiday allowance backlog that left them with a critical shortage of pilots, cabin staff, and trumpet players.

Grovelling apologies to the 400,000 affected passengers who had their holiday plans cancelled with short notice have now been added to the Ryanair website, and boss Michael O’Leary has kindly allowed people to pay with cash, cheque or credit card.

“There is a processing fee for apologies purchased using credit card or cheque,” said a spokesperson for Ryanair, ignoring a chorus of ringing phones at their customer service department.

“And of course, if you want your apology sent out to you, then there’s a slight fee for that too. But apart from that, every customer that was left in uncertainty about whether or not their holiday was going ahead will be fully satisfied with their apology. Just take a number in our queuing system and have your payment method ready, and we should get to you within the day, if not the week”.

Ryanair went on to announce that all affected passengers would be entitled to compensation, which would be available in the form of scratch cards.

from  waterford whispers

US Warns That North Korea May Be In Possession Of A Godzilla

THE United States have issued a stark warning to North Korea about the level of retaliation they will face if they attempt to attack US citizens or bases with any form of gargantuan mutated monster, following intel from Pyongyang that the DPRK has come into possession of a Godzilla.
“We have received a dossier that North Korea may be about to unleash a Godzilla, or possibly a Rodan on US naval warships in the Pacific Ocean,” stated President Donald Trump, clearing his schedule from any investigations into irregularities with his administration so that he could properly address the developing Kaiju crisis.“The American people will not stand idly by and allow a dictator such as Kim Jon-un to threaten our way of life with a massive, city-stomping, fire breathing lizard creature, okay? Everybody, we need to concentrate all our attention on this. The entire west coast is at risk… have you seen the size of these things? Huge. Trust me”.The statement was met with scepticism from many opponents of the trump administration, who stated that Godzilla was a creature who was more connected to Japan, not North Korea, and that the North Korean administration had neither the capacity nor the resources to create a Kaiju of their own, even a shit one like Baragon or Megaguirus.Image result for godzilla attack US

Nevertheless, Trump pledged to divert huge amounts of funding into the US Space X and Mechagodzilla program, promising to meet any North Korean Kaiju attack with ‘massive firepower’ the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since Destroy All Monsters.

see also..   US already had A Korean anti-nuke Peace Deal but Violated Every Single Clause.  *real post

Terror Engulfs America as Kim Jong Un Threatens To Cut Healthcare For 22 M US Citizens

THE tyrannical leader’s threat could cause the deaths of millions if he carries out his planned attack on the US healthcare system.Both Republicans and Democrats in America have been locked in emergency meetings since late last night on foot of receiving a threat from despot and North Korea leader Kim Jong Un.
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While news of yet another missile test led to robust language issued by the US government warning of consequences if missile tests continued, the White House has officially declared a state of emergency across the nation after Jong Un threatened to rescind medical coverage for 22 million Americans, many of whom have preexisting conditions.Image result for US terrified of of kim Jong un“This barbarity is something only a Republican should be able to carry out, Kim Jong Un is threatening our very beliefs as Americans and we must stop him,” confirmed House Speaker Paul Ryan earlier this morning.
. Continue reading Terror Engulfs America as Kim Jong Un Threatens To Cut Healthcare For 22 M US Citizens

WWN Guide To Surviving A Nuclear Apocalypse

April 28, 2017 –WWN WORLD NEWS   255 SHARES  Comments
WITH death by nuclear fire back at the top of everyone’s ‘shit I’m afraid of right now’ lists, many people have started thinking about preparing for survival in a scorched, post-apocalyptic wasteland.
If you’re unsure as to what you should ‘pack’ for your journey into the unknown, then allow WWN to walk you through 5 things every Irish person should have in their bunker…
1) Drink
Life in a nuclear fallout shelter is zero craic, unless you get yourself well oiled. Remember; space is limited, so don’t stow cans. Spirits are a far more concentrated, effective way to get yourself shit-faced and ignore the scrabblings of the damned as they try to claw their way in.
2) Iodine pills
The government sent them to you, you threw them in the drawer with the old birthday cards and the Nokia chargers.. now’s the time to put them iodine-ey bad boys to use! Put them in your bunker so you can neck them swiftly when the time comes. Continue reading WWN Guide To Surviving A Nuclear Apocalypse

BREAKING FAKE NEWS: Mexico Agrees To Build Wall Due To Influx Of Illegal US Refugees

Waterford Whispers News

January 23, 2017 – BREAKING NEWS, WORLD NEWS
Tens of thousands of illegal US refugees are fleeing across the Mexican borders.
Tens of thousands of illegal US refugees are fleeing across the Mexican borders.
 16.2K SHARES   816 View Comments

MEXICAN President Enrique Peña Nieto has confirmed today that a proposed plan to build a wall between the United States will now go ahead, in a bid to stem the flow of ‘American refugees’ currently attempting to migrate from the Trump-led nation.

Pena Nieto, who previously dismissed President Trump’s proposal to build a 35 to 40 foot concrete wall at the cost of $8bn to the Mexican taxpayer, made the dramatic U-turn yesterday afternoon, following reports of a large scale immigration of people wishing to leave the ‘land of the free’.

So far over 500,000 people are already queueing at various border controls along the current Mexican/US border, forcing the Mexican president to temporarily restrict access to non-Mexicans wishing to escape Donald Trump’s America.

“We’ve been queuing here since Friday,” one father of four told WWN, “we’ve been made stay in a refugee camp along with other Americans. All I want to do is find a better quality of life for my family. Now we’re stuck here in limbo”.

President Enrique Peña Nieto said he will continue the ban on all immigrants until the wall is built, and urged Americans not to waste their time attempting to cross the border without the appropriate documentation.

“Our borders are currently overwhelmed with overweight men, women and children from the United States of America,” he said, “we have no other choice but to close our borders and build this wall to help secure our country”.

Emergency pop-up McDonald’s restaurants have been erected along the border controls to help feed the starving refugees. The Mexican Navy reported it has saved several hundred people from drowning after trying to cross on makeshift rafts.

In a harrowing incident, one desperate family attempted to cross on their 400lb father, who later had to be sunk after the rescue as emergency crews failed to hoist him to the helicopter.

Related

Maurice Biggar ·

And the United States will be made to pay for the wall!
Like · Reply · 9 · 15 hrs

Michael Cummins

Most of them can’t afford their blood pressure meds
Like · Reply · 1 · 13 hrs

Paul Salafia

I wonder how many are wearing giant foam vaginas?!

487 deaths from ‘That Thing Ireland Doesn’t Talk About’

 shared from waterford whispers   with thanks

shutterstock_390416188ACCORDING to the latest available figures from the Central Statistics Office a total of 487 people died as a result of that thing Ireland doesn’t talk about in 2013.

The deaths continue on from a trend started in 2007 which has seen the numbers of people dying from that thing we don’t talk about increase.

While a number of factors have been attributed to the rise, concerns have been raised about the prevalence of that thing among the youth of Ireland.

“It’s troubling, and I want with every fibre in my body for something to be done about it, but look if it’s alright, I’d prefer you didn’t bring it up at all,” spokesperson for the Irish Commission On Things We Don’t Talk About Suzanne O’Gorran told WWN.

The government also stressed its reluctance to talk about the thing, but is said to be relieved the statistics have come close to levelling off.

“That is a relief as we can now look into how to continue to do nothing about it, if we get this right, we could even cut funding a bit,” a government spokesperson shared with WWN. The government confirmed it was available to talk about the recovery, road safety campaigns and sugar tax.

Many members of the public have admitted to being aware of someone they know doing that thing, but owing to the troubling nature of talking openly about something in Ireland, they remain reluctant to speak.

If you would like to talk about it, click.. HERE.


Spain doing Fine: There’s No Government like No Government

Spain Hasn’t Had a central Government for the Last 9 Months — and People Love Itno-government

Only 2.3 percent of respondents in a July poll by Spain’s Center for Sociological Investigations considered the lack of government the country’s major problem, and the figure is getting even smaller.”

adapted from a  Derrick Brose post in TheAnti-Media.org.. with thanks

For more than nine months, Spain has existed without a traditional national government. In the face of this lack of central authority and planning, Spaniards have done ”the impossible”: they have thrived without a government.smash-capitalism

Spanish politicians warned the people that allowing the national government to fade away could have disastrous effects. However, as the New York Times notes, “the crisis seems to have offered a glimpse of life if politicians simply stepped out of the way. For many here, it has not been all that bad.”

No government, no thieves,” Félix Pastor, a language teacher, told the Times. Pastor said the people of Spain were better without a government because the politicians were unable to cause any more harm. Rafael Navarro, a 71-year old pharmacy owner in Madrid, told the Times that “Spain would be just fine if we got rid of most of the politicians ...” Continue reading Spain doing Fine: There’s No Government like No Government